Nurturing Your Success Blog

The Impact of Poor Self-Esteem on Our Children

Julie Fuimano — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:11:57 GMT

In the news this week were several articles about dating abuse in “tweens” who are kids between the ages of 10 and 14. The abuse experienced was mostly emotional and mental abuse. Rarer, they reported, was physical abuse which was most prevalent in those 14 year olds who were having sex.

Having sex. At 14. Wow. And we wonder why they might be experiencing abuse. What is going on with this new generation that they are dating so young? And why are they so disrespectful to one another?

Well, the answer is rather simple. It all comes back to self-esteem. If I feel good about myself, then I will respect myself. I will not treat you badly because that would be disrespectful to me as well, and I will not let you treat me badly either because I feel good about my own value as a human being.

Obviously, we are not getting that message across well enough to our youth. How can we expect to, though, when we, as adults, struggle with it ourselves? If you have difficulty or conflict in relationships or at work where people walk over you, speak down to you, scream at or demean you, however you respond to and handle yourself in these situations, then that is what your children learn. They learn by watching you. They also learn how to feel about themselves as human beings by how you treat yourself AND how you treat them. Even if you attempt to teach them differently, they will learn what they live, not what you say. You have to role model it for them. Without good role models, children don’t learn good skills until they become adults like you and then they have to figure it out with bosses, colleagues and in their own personal and intimate relationships.

The BEST GIFT we can give our children is to have them leave our homes to enter the world with good, healthy self-esteem. If they feel good about and value themselves as human beings, they will feel comfortable with their potential as well as with their successes and they will be confident in the world with whatever they may face. Without good self-esteem, people struggle internally, even if they succeed in the world. There are many millionaires who are unhappy, who experience heavy burdens of self-doubt and lack, and who feel that no matter what they do, they will never be good enough.

What can you do? Love yourself. Learn to respect and acknowledge the wonderful-ness of you. And be open to your tweens and teens. Don’t tell them what to do. Don’t lecture. Just listen. Learn to be empathetic and compassionate, try to understand what they are going through and what they must be experiencing in this new world. Life is different today from when you were growing up. But if you have a lot of baggage that you’re carrying around with you such as self-doubt and negative self-talk, then you are too self-absorbed to be available and open to empathize with your kids. That may sound harsh but if you pay attention to your thoughts, even when you are having a heart-to-heart, if your thoughts are all about what you want or how you want to fix that person or situation, then those thoughts are all about you, not about them.

Just for today, look at your children with new eyes. They are growing up. They are different. Where are they today? What challenges are they facing? Shower them with positive affirmations, meaning tell them over and over again in as many ways as possible what you admire about them. Help them to identify how wonderful and amazing they are and teach them to treat themselves with respect and loving-kindness. If you have trouble with this yourself, then the first place to start is with you. Stop settling for less. You and your kids are worth it.

You are amazing! Make the most of today.

Yours truly,

Julie

Greetings from Nurturing Your Success!

Julie Fuimano — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:39:55 GMT

Greetings from Nurturing Your Success! Here’s your dose of Mental Fitness.

One of the traps of the mind that people (me included!) fall victim to is devaluing your work. In The Journey Called YOU, this obstacle is called, “Discounting Your Knowledge.” What this means is that once you learn something and you become good at it, you then diminish its value IN YOUR MIND. Your thoughts may sound something like this, “It’s no big deal.” “If it’s easy for you, it’s easy for everyone.” “Everyone knows that.” And perhaps even, “What’s next?” Sound familiar?

You use the new learning in your work and it becomes you, so it’s easy to forget what it actually took to learn this new thing and how you may have evolved along the way and how it now impacts your work or how you present yourself to others.

When you succumb to these thoughts, you dismiss wonderful things about you, things you have learned to do well, and things that perhaps others would pay you handsomely for! By devaluing the very things that you are and have become, you create dissonance between your successes and your valuation of those successes. This has certain negative or unwanted consequences. For one thing, you don’t feel good about your work; you are not satisfied. There is a longing to do better and better, a sense of never quite being good enough because you don’t stop to give yourself any credit for how you’ve grown and changed and the impact that the growth has had on you, your work, and your relationships.

Secondly, while others may see the difference in you, because YOU have trouble seeing it, you might have difficulty accepting when others mention it. For instance, a colleague recognizes your work through a public acknowledgement. Instantly, you feel uncomfortable. “It’s no big deal. She shouldn’t have said anything,” you think to yourself. And depending upon your self-esteem, you might take it even further by refuting this compliment, “Oh it was nothing,” which is not only further damaging to your self-esteem, it can be insulting to the person who gave the compliment.

Coaching tip: So how do you go about overcoming this trick of the mind? Be open to the value that your learning has on you and on your ability to produce. The more you learn, the greater your output. That’s fact. Don’t dismiss it because it is YOU doing the learning. Celebrate it – CELEBRATE YOU! You are wonderful. And second, when someone acknowledges you in some way, pay attention. Say, “thank you!” and consider what this feedback means to you. They offer you a wonderful gift by sharing with you what they observe has changed in you. It has value to THEM – even if you don’t see it. You might want to ask them a question about what that value is so that you can continue to do more of it.

Til next time – choose good thoughts.

Your coach and partner for success,

Julie

Welcome!

Julie Fuimano — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:48:44 GMT

Greetings and welcome to the *NEW* Nurturing Your Success blog!

I’m finally stepping out into the world of blogging. It’s very exciting. And although whenever starting something new, it seems like a big step, I’m sure it will be easy once I get the swing of it.

And isn’t that often the case? We look at something new as this big mountain to climb. It can be overwhelming, producing feelings of anxiety and fear. And stress! Thoughts of a monstrous undertaking can lead to procrastination and no action means our dreams cannot become reality. But, when we do act, once we take the first step, we find that it wasn’t so bad after all.

For me, it is of the utmost importance that what I do adds value to you, so this blog will be a place for me to share thoughts and ideas as they come up during interactions with others and revelations that come from my personal development work. In this way, we can learn from each other and remove the barriers to our happiness and success, such as the one mentioned above: making mountains out of molehills. It will be light and fun and yet pertinent to the mission of Nurturing Your Success – to help you be joyful and happy and get out of your own way so you can achieve the success you desire – whatever that means for you. The focus is on developing Mental Fitness – getting your mind on your side. What happens between your ears is your greatest challenge to your success. It is your mind, after all, that permits – or hinders – you to feel and experience true joy and happiness. Together we will learn to think good, loving thoughts about ourselves, about others, about life. And in turn, create deep connections, experience loving relationships, learn to enjoy ourselves and our work, and stop giving ourselves such a hard time so we make a positive impact in the world around us.

May your thoughts support your success today. Peace, love, and joy to you.

Your coach and partner for success,

Julie